Duke is Puke.. and I love it

First of all I'm the only person you need to listen to about this game. Critics waited 12 years to shit on this game and that is just lame.

Big guns, swearing, babes and throwing freshly squeezed poo is the only way to describe Duke Nukem Forever.

If you've never encountered or heard of Duke Nukem 3D then stay clear of this game. If you prefer games with a good plot and modern graphics then skip this game.

If you are looking for nothing more than closure to a 12 year wait... Don't even rent it just borrow it off  of somebody sad enough to own it... like me for example.

Are there boobies? Yeah. A little bit. One stage takes place within a small strip club in which you easily hunt down a vibrator, popcorn and a condom. (Note: The reviewer at 1up.com proclaims this level takes 20-30 minutes to complete. It takes only half of that so he was clearly masturbating, felt guilty and gave the game an F)

The bulk of the game takes place in and around Las Vegas as you journey from Duke's penthouse to Hoover Dam. Same guns, same enemies and similar Duke catch phrases.  It's basically a higher resolution version of Duke Nukem.  The gameplay conventions are instantly familiar to any Duke veteran.  You grab a gun, point and shoot and try not to die.  There are no health packs but your health/shield/Ego recharge when you stop taking damage. Unlike Duke3D you wont be able to pick up every single weapon you find but I found there was more than enough ammo in the debris.

So what makes this a bad game? The plot is barely even servicable and barely makes sense. It is literally as if everyone on earth remembers Duke's exploits but the aliens developed a hardcore case of amniesia after 12 years and decided to duplicate their plans to achieve failure at the hands of Duke Nukem. Their plan remains the same.  Kidnap Earth's babes and use them to birth aliens as they wreck the planet.  A lot of reviewers are put off by this premise because it involves the suggested rape and murder of dozens of women including Duke's girlfriends. Even this is nothing new to the universe of Duke because you spent the entirety of Episode 2 of Duke Nukem 3D doing the same thing.

Where the game completely falls apart however is between the loading screens and the repetition. No matter where you are the game revolves around pointing and shooting without a clear route through levels.  You pretty much go from place to place going through the motions feeling less and less bad ass as you progress and more and more like a dolt.  Other characters offer less and less to the experience and seem more and more stupid the further you progress. Duke revels in his own absurdity but fails to be anything more than a divine comedy in that only the Gods could find humor in such a tragedy of a game with so much promise.

The loading screens ruined it for me.  I got stuck on the Octobrain boss in the closing stages of the game and no word of a lie I spent easily 5 to 10 minutes or more at the loading screen after premature deaths than I did fighting the boss. 10 seconds of gameplay 30 seconds of loading... 21 seconds of playing... 30 seconds of loading... and it goes on like this any time you find spicy hot instant death.

The laughable plot, the increasinly stale gameplay and the loading screens will easily eclipse any fun you will have with this game.  There are fun bits though which reviewers seem to mention but never take into account with the give the game a 0 so I wont do that.  This game doesnt exactly get a passing grade from me but with a little more polish I'd have given the game a slightly higher score.

RED: 5.5

HIGHS: Guns, babes, explosions, poo

LOWS: Not very funny - gets boring -LOADING

No comment: LA Noire

I'm not reviewing this game. But I will talk about it. First of all I bought it used with the add on voucher still valid. In other words Rockstar didn't get money from me. At first I felt bad but the feeling didn't last long.

LA Noire has been hyped up to rediciulous proportions to the point people think they are playing the greatest game ever. Before this game was a hit Rockstar branded it as a franchise. This is annoying because there is a lot about this game that is not good. The plot is... there... but the execution is just as repetitive as Assassins Creed which got a lot of hate for it being repetitive as all hell

Every case is pretty much crime scene, search for clues, talk to witness, collect more clues at a new location, talk to new people, chase or shoot out followed by interrogate and then case closed. The random street crimes trend to all be "go here and subdue suspect"

The graphics are very well done however because they are so life like, the facial transitions can look awkward and robotic. Sometimes the heads look copied and pasted on. Every once and a while the motion captured animations make the controls feel clunky. For instance running up a fire escape. It's not obvious unless you release the controls but Cole will ascend every flight of stairs on his own when the animation begins which means you are locked into his direction of travel.

The in between bits where you are allowed to free roam look good but the city is not as full of life outside of street crimes so you are pretty much a tourist when driving around.

I don't know if LA Noir is supposed to be cinematic adventure like Heavy Rain or cinematic action like metal gear solid but either way it can't decide. They could just as well shoehorned this game into a CSI premise  and it would have made sense.

Once I play through to completion I might review it but for now any review from me would just be troll fodder

JG

Jaded Gaming Classic

MOST RECENT UPDATES AT THE TOP

11:17pm – I’m still thinking of getting episode 5 online because I have most of the footage I need for it.  Episode 6 is going to take about a week longer (maybe) because I haven’t been making the best use of my time since I found out that a good friend died.  I just can’t believe it. 

8:08pm – The past 7 hours have been real interesting. I played a bunch of Fallout New Vegas.  Honest Hearts is a decent expansion.  I still like Brink.  I was literally about to go to the store, get some soda, come back and film content and reviews but I got a phone call that one of my co-workers has died.  So I’m thrown for a loop. Give me some time to wrap my mind around this.

12:43pm – I can’t do it.  I just can’t do it. I can only ram so much L.A Noir down my gullet before I just start automatically rejecting it.  I guess It’s time to film and edit stuff.

SUNDAY – 11:00am – My Alarm goes off… and the first question I have is… When did I fall asleep? The second I have is… Why I don’t I sleep in my bed? Coffee!!! I NEED COFFEE!!!

11:35 – My Duke Ending reaction

11:28 – After frequent breaks to trudge my way through Duke. I’ve finally made my way through it.  If I died twice in a row, I took a break. Hell, Two loading screens in a row IS a break.

8:12 – After a lengthy break and some food, Duke Nukem Forever will be a notch on the ol gaming belt.

5:31 – Approaching the final hours of Duke Nukem

4:20 – Break, for no apparent reason.

SATURDAY - 12:30pm - Just woke up. Duke is loaded. Washing up then getting to it.

5:06am - Uploaded video

4:50 – Beat Alice: Madness Returns.  . Vid incoming.

3:52 – Lies.  Second wind.

3:39am – My eyes are burning. Gonna handle the finale of Alice tomorrow morning.

1:20am – Alice in the asylum

1:00am – Quick break.  Making great time with Alice.

11:00pm – Alice is loaded and I’m bouncing down the rabbit hole to victory… I hope.

10:30pm - Ok folks. This is the first of probably many “Jaded Gaming Cassics” brought to you by free time and getting ish done.

The goal: To complete not only 3 video games (2 of which came out this past tuesday) but to release two episodes of The Jaded Gamer’s show back to back Sunday night/Monday morning.  So with this thing set to kick off at 11pm tonight. (June 17th) I have to go do my starting prep… like… NOW

So keep checking the actual blog (www.TheJadedGamer.tk) because there will be videos/screenshots that may not get imported if you’re viewing it through imported RSS pages like Facebook/Fan group pages.

Hopefully there will be enough updates over the next 48 hours for you to sink your teeth into as well as videos you can ONLY view from this page/entry. 

Thank you and wish me luck.

JG