Alice:Madness Returns to Rinse off the stank that Duke Nukem left behind.

OK, Ever since the first game I heard rumours American McGee was going to make a movie in the vain of the first Alice game.  Then I heard Tim Burton was going to make an Alice movie.  At first I was mad because I thought “What about American McGee’s version?” Then I thought… “What if this IS American McGee’s version with Tim Burton at the helm?” … But it wasn’t.  NOOOOOOOOOOOO! And Tim just… Look, Nevermind Tim Burton not satisfying my expectations.  ALICE IS BACK BABY!

I guess because I’m an early adopter of the game, the original Alice game came along with it. CRAZY BONUS!

I don’t know where to begin with this game. The plot is a little annoying and a little confusing.  Essentially Alice is getting lost in her head between levels in the real world.  There is no rabbit hole.  You start on your shrink’s couch, get up, go outside, follow a rabbit, interact with a woman, pass out, Wonderland and that’s how it goes.  Wake up, talk to somebody, maybe go somewhere, pass out, Wonderland. 

The enemies are very similar. Well… that’s not true. . There are two enemy types.  There are the Ruins (I think, if memory serves me correctly.) which appear in every stage and the enemies which only appear in the specific stage.  So you will see the Ruins all the time and it looks repetitive but they are symbolic of the madness eating away at you. . . or something.

This game is more repetitive than a bag of chips but the weird thing is… it’s just fun.  Oddly enough, traversing is the game’s main mechanic.  Every area seems to have a space reasoning puzzle that needs solving before you can continue. It usually revolves around flipping a switch or shooting a switch or using shrink. And you will do this through every single level.  Flip a switch, shoot a switch or use shrink to solve any puzzle the game throws at you.  So if you can’t find any switches to flip or shoot… shrink yourself and you’ll probably figure it out. 

The game was definitely designed for console this time around.  That basically means it controls more like a console 3rd person shooter than a PC first person shooter. (If you want to feel the difference just play Alice and Alice2) The various standard weaponry is at Alice’s disposal. A Knife, mini gun, grenade launcher, club and shield are all represented with a Wonderland counterpart.  The minigun is a pepper grinder and the club is a wooden horse.

The game switches it up every so often by including little mini games to distract you from the repetition of traversing through the world. Mini games are usually 2D sidescrolling variations but they are no less fun. In some cases these mini-games save Alice from being a generic game.  They add much needed flair.

I know it sounds like I’ve been bagging on the game but I’m just being objective.  There is a lot of repetition and the plot is silly. But the game is good because the environments for the most part are done very well.  Wonderland is just as beautiful as it is dark and gloomy.  In some cases I felt they could have gone darker but there is enough screwy imagery to go around.  Alice is also much more bad ass. Switching weapons on the fly makes her feel and control more like a seasoned veteran of annihilating Wonderland’s foes. The combat system also gives the fighting a God of War or Bayonetta vibe.  But let’s not get carried away.  Even still the combat is well done and works really really well. I’m going to say that Alice is the bare minimum of really good controls. Anything less and you’re just average.

Alice’s hair… You’ll notice in Wonderland that her hair has a life of it’s own.  It seems to have it’s own gravity and speed sometimes but that’s ok.  It adds to the ultimate bad-assedness that is Alice: Madness returns.

A fun ride from beginning to end.

GREEN: 7.5

Highs

   Fun

   Platforming fun

   Combat fun

   Mini games

Lows

   Repetitive in every way.

   A bit of a forced plot.

   Some areas feel a tad too long

Duke is Puke.. and I love it

First of all I'm the only person you need to listen to about this game. Critics waited 12 years to shit on this game and that is just lame.

Big guns, swearing, babes and throwing freshly squeezed poo is the only way to describe Duke Nukem Forever.

If you've never encountered or heard of Duke Nukem 3D then stay clear of this game. If you prefer games with a good plot and modern graphics then skip this game.

If you are looking for nothing more than closure to a 12 year wait... Don't even rent it just borrow it off  of somebody sad enough to own it... like me for example.

Are there boobies? Yeah. A little bit. One stage takes place within a small strip club in which you easily hunt down a vibrator, popcorn and a condom. (Note: The reviewer at 1up.com proclaims this level takes 20-30 minutes to complete. It takes only half of that so he was clearly masturbating, felt guilty and gave the game an F)

The bulk of the game takes place in and around Las Vegas as you journey from Duke's penthouse to Hoover Dam. Same guns, same enemies and similar Duke catch phrases.  It's basically a higher resolution version of Duke Nukem.  The gameplay conventions are instantly familiar to any Duke veteran.  You grab a gun, point and shoot and try not to die.  There are no health packs but your health/shield/Ego recharge when you stop taking damage. Unlike Duke3D you wont be able to pick up every single weapon you find but I found there was more than enough ammo in the debris.

So what makes this a bad game? The plot is barely even servicable and barely makes sense. It is literally as if everyone on earth remembers Duke's exploits but the aliens developed a hardcore case of amniesia after 12 years and decided to duplicate their plans to achieve failure at the hands of Duke Nukem. Their plan remains the same.  Kidnap Earth's babes and use them to birth aliens as they wreck the planet.  A lot of reviewers are put off by this premise because it involves the suggested rape and murder of dozens of women including Duke's girlfriends. Even this is nothing new to the universe of Duke because you spent the entirety of Episode 2 of Duke Nukem 3D doing the same thing.

Where the game completely falls apart however is between the loading screens and the repetition. No matter where you are the game revolves around pointing and shooting without a clear route through levels.  You pretty much go from place to place going through the motions feeling less and less bad ass as you progress and more and more like a dolt.  Other characters offer less and less to the experience and seem more and more stupid the further you progress. Duke revels in his own absurdity but fails to be anything more than a divine comedy in that only the Gods could find humor in such a tragedy of a game with so much promise.

The loading screens ruined it for me.  I got stuck on the Octobrain boss in the closing stages of the game and no word of a lie I spent easily 5 to 10 minutes or more at the loading screen after premature deaths than I did fighting the boss. 10 seconds of gameplay 30 seconds of loading... 21 seconds of playing... 30 seconds of loading... and it goes on like this any time you find spicy hot instant death.

The laughable plot, the increasinly stale gameplay and the loading screens will easily eclipse any fun you will have with this game.  There are fun bits though which reviewers seem to mention but never take into account with the give the game a 0 so I wont do that.  This game doesnt exactly get a passing grade from me but with a little more polish I'd have given the game a slightly higher score.

RED: 5.5

HIGHS: Guns, babes, explosions, poo

LOWS: Not very funny - gets boring -LOADING

No comment: LA Noire

I'm not reviewing this game. But I will talk about it. First of all I bought it used with the add on voucher still valid. In other words Rockstar didn't get money from me. At first I felt bad but the feeling didn't last long.

LA Noire has been hyped up to rediciulous proportions to the point people think they are playing the greatest game ever. Before this game was a hit Rockstar branded it as a franchise. This is annoying because there is a lot about this game that is not good. The plot is... there... but the execution is just as repetitive as Assassins Creed which got a lot of hate for it being repetitive as all hell

Every case is pretty much crime scene, search for clues, talk to witness, collect more clues at a new location, talk to new people, chase or shoot out followed by interrogate and then case closed. The random street crimes trend to all be "go here and subdue suspect"

The graphics are very well done however because they are so life like, the facial transitions can look awkward and robotic. Sometimes the heads look copied and pasted on. Every once and a while the motion captured animations make the controls feel clunky. For instance running up a fire escape. It's not obvious unless you release the controls but Cole will ascend every flight of stairs on his own when the animation begins which means you are locked into his direction of travel.

The in between bits where you are allowed to free roam look good but the city is not as full of life outside of street crimes so you are pretty much a tourist when driving around.

I don't know if LA Noir is supposed to be cinematic adventure like Heavy Rain or cinematic action like metal gear solid but either way it can't decide. They could just as well shoehorned this game into a CSI premise  and it would have made sense.

Once I play through to completion I might review it but for now any review from me would just be troll fodder

JG

Jaded Gaming Classic

MOST RECENT UPDATES AT THE TOP

11:17pm – I’m still thinking of getting episode 5 online because I have most of the footage I need for it.  Episode 6 is going to take about a week longer (maybe) because I haven’t been making the best use of my time since I found out that a good friend died.  I just can’t believe it. 

8:08pm – The past 7 hours have been real interesting. I played a bunch of Fallout New Vegas.  Honest Hearts is a decent expansion.  I still like Brink.  I was literally about to go to the store, get some soda, come back and film content and reviews but I got a phone call that one of my co-workers has died.  So I’m thrown for a loop. Give me some time to wrap my mind around this.

12:43pm – I can’t do it.  I just can’t do it. I can only ram so much L.A Noir down my gullet before I just start automatically rejecting it.  I guess It’s time to film and edit stuff.

SUNDAY – 11:00am – My Alarm goes off… and the first question I have is… When did I fall asleep? The second I have is… Why I don’t I sleep in my bed? Coffee!!! I NEED COFFEE!!!

11:35 – My Duke Ending reaction

11:28 – After frequent breaks to trudge my way through Duke. I’ve finally made my way through it.  If I died twice in a row, I took a break. Hell, Two loading screens in a row IS a break.

8:12 – After a lengthy break and some food, Duke Nukem Forever will be a notch on the ol gaming belt.

5:31 – Approaching the final hours of Duke Nukem

4:20 – Break, for no apparent reason.

SATURDAY - 12:30pm - Just woke up. Duke is loaded. Washing up then getting to it.

5:06am - Uploaded video

4:50 – Beat Alice: Madness Returns.  . Vid incoming.

3:52 – Lies.  Second wind.

3:39am – My eyes are burning. Gonna handle the finale of Alice tomorrow morning.

1:20am – Alice in the asylum

1:00am – Quick break.  Making great time with Alice.

11:00pm – Alice is loaded and I’m bouncing down the rabbit hole to victory… I hope.

10:30pm - Ok folks. This is the first of probably many “Jaded Gaming Cassics” brought to you by free time and getting ish done.

The goal: To complete not only 3 video games (2 of which came out this past tuesday) but to release two episodes of The Jaded Gamer’s show back to back Sunday night/Monday morning.  So with this thing set to kick off at 11pm tonight. (June 17th) I have to go do my starting prep… like… NOW

So keep checking the actual blog (www.TheJadedGamer.tk) because there will be videos/screenshots that may not get imported if you’re viewing it through imported RSS pages like Facebook/Fan group pages.

Hopefully there will be enough updates over the next 48 hours for you to sink your teeth into as well as videos you can ONLY view from this page/entry. 

Thank you and wish me luck.

JG

Not a review: Brink

I wrote a lot for this Blog entry about Brink, mostly defending this game.  But I realize.. it doesn’t need any defence. Any reviewer or critic that hated this game… hates teamwork and innovation and would prefer every game be about Kill/Death ratios and kill streaks.  Hey… if that floats your boat… cool.  If being the greatest individual in a teamwork scenario is what you’re about… you will hate Brink. Brink will eat your face the moment you think you can go solo on ANYTHING!

I’m getting better and better at being a “Solo Op” meaning like Bond… I do my best work alone.  High risk/High Reward.  With me on your team you wont need to send a team off to hack a command post or shut down a shortcut, I can do that by myself.  But that  behaviour constantly screws my team over. If I’m not there for a Comms hack (reveals ALL enemy positions on your map) or highlighting enemies (so everybody on my team can see that one enemy even through a wall) … So because of my Solo skills I HAVE to succeed in my solo ops 99.9% of the time because I’m screwing my team over every time.  Teamwork always pays off more than a solo effort… 

The rapport I have with the Engineer class is amazing.  After leveling up a bit.. I can hack enemy turrets and turn them against their masters… but… I level up a little more and I can use the Turret like it’s a mounted gun… BUT REMOTELY… so now I can watch over two points of entry.  I’m still a “one-man” special ops team most of the time but I need my team to pull it off. 

But does my team need me? I hope so.  Without me the hack based objectives would be very difficult.  I’ve got my hack technique down pretty good.  I’m in… caltrops get dropped at the hackbox and now I’m hiding close by hacking the thing remotely.  A lot slower with distance so.. PROTIP: I’m hiding REALLY close by.  Now the enemy has to either find me or deal with the caltrops I dropped that cut them as they try to deactivate my hackbox.  Then even assuming they find me to do me in… I can blow myself up after you incapacitate me. So I’m a threat even in death.  Remove me from your team and you are already at a disadvantage. And I’m just one guy (9 times out of 10 I’m one of two operatives on my team) And chances are the other Operative does not play the same style that I do.

You’ll see my actual real review in a week or so. . but for now, look at videos of the game and read all the mixed to positive reviews. And if you still want to play it… rent it first.  It’s a good game.  Is it perfect? Not even close! But it’s the best attempt I’ve seen since Counterstrike and Team Fortress CLASSIC to try to move team-based/Objective based multiplayer forward.  And for that it should be commended!  I’m so bored by every DOOM/Quake/Unreal clone.  It’s boring to me. 

So if you can still feel good about spending 60 dollars on roughly the same multiplayer modes you’ve been playing for the past 5 – 10 years Brink is just gonna piss you off because it’s not the same game everything else is.  So if you want the same boring stale shit you’re used to… go out and get Call of Duty or something. 

Episode 4!

1 Rant/8 Reviews

It’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you without a dope show to rep you.

Ahhh Nintendo.. I know you hate me

People seem to think I hate Nintendo. I really don't. We as gamers owe a lot of current gen innovation to them. They are a great company that does great things. And with the exception of the stupid Game Cube and it's playskool controller, I've been excited over every announcement they make.

My beef with them is that they are pretty sadistic and their fans have to be masochistic.

In my experience this all started during the gameboy era. Nintendo rules handhelds and always have. I mean the Game Gear was ok but it had too many problems.  Lynx was garbage so you would be better off with those Tiger games.

From gameboy to gameboy pocket... A more portable version of a portable system... Ok.. Sure.. Why not? The gameboy was pretty bulky... Gameboy color... Wait .. What? Ok anything beats cream broccoli colour.. Fine.. Even though the so called "color" mechanic was pretty crappy.. I can deal. Gameboy advance... 32-bit in the palm of my hand!!! AWESOME!! No 3D processing... FAIL!.. But they made the most of it and some pretty great games did come out for it.  Gameboy Advance SP.. This was the beginning of the end for me. I jumped ship to PSX because I wanted to play some next gen and the 64/GBA wasn't cutting it. Mainly because nintendo started pulling a sega by forcing peripherals on me. The graphics pak with the 64 and the headphone jack addon you need for the GBA SP.

So I hopped on Sony's bandwagon and for 10 years they took care of me. Wow a life span of 10 years... How old school nintendo! Naturally you'd think I would move on to ps2.. Nope... Original Xbox.. It was the Tim Taylor of consoles. MORE POWER! But it want selling as well as the ps2 so even though it angered me to see them leapfrog Sony, I didnt get too angry. But the ps2 was still being supported.  I guess it made sense because the ps2 was once again on it's way to selling 100 million ... Again.

Back to nintendo.  When the Wii bust out of the gate selling like hot cakes, I was impressed. I thought.. "Nice. They took an inferior system and marketed it so well." But I saw the pedobear come out of nintendo almost instantly. Over priced EVERYTHING on a system full of shovelware. But people ate It up for whatever reason.  Skip ahead.. Wii is out selling everything. It has zero reason to release a new system and almost 80 million reasons to support the current one.  But why would they when they know their fans are going to buy plastic peripherals, headphone jacks and classic controllers to make their repurposed games payable. And going out to buy a new controller to make your console backwards compatible. .. So weird you guys.

I know what you may be thinking, 5 years between consoles is not unusual. It's not. . when your console is in 2nd or 3rd place and you are competing for market space. Our even when your console is dying (which is why the DS despite it's iterations gets excused) but the wii should be in it's prime. Why cut the head off a popular system when you can easily extend it's life? ANSWER: Your fans are casual gamers that dont know any better. Nintendo relies on brand loyalty which is fine.

I like nintendo.. I admire the way they advance and innovate the industry but I'm not exactly sure they want me to like games. But thats a whole other entry.

(keep in mind I prefer the original xbox over the ps2) Sony has the best idea.. Support your console till it's dead... And beyond.. (pspgo says hi) The way the original nintendo did and the way microsoft is doing now.

in fact, kudos to Microsoft. The 360 is an inferior machine from a tech pov when compared to the ps3 but they manage to do extremely well.

With all that being said.. I'm looking forward to nintendo's new system. It sounds awesome... In fact, it sounds like what I want in a console. A ton of innovation seems to be placed in it.  But is the wii going to die needlessly because of it? Do I have to buy peripherals to make it backwards compatible? Am I going to have to buy another console at the apex of the new system's popularity? Will there be less shovelware?

I would love to jump back on their bandwagon but if the console is going to get killed a year or two after I get it... Why bother?