Watch me do me

You know ... Like the Lonely Island sketch.

DISCLAIMER: This is real talk.

Somebody asked why I'm not posting the Jaded Gamer Show on Ballsrog.com especially since it's gotten a good response from those who saw it. Well this is my explanation. I dont want to go too far in depth but trust me I'm very disappointed in some people.

Alright. I don't want to start any drama but I fully intend to keep it real. No subliminals but I'm not going to be pointing fingers... Well, maybe a little but I won't wag it... Ok. Maybe some slight waggage.  But it stems from disappointment not anger.

Generally I expect my date to look pretty and buy me dinner before they FUCK ME!  Wait, back it up.

I used to do a podcast with my crew. It wasnt a smash hit but popular enough to get a few hundred downloads every episode. I was a fan favorite so I spun it off into The Jaded Gamer's Show.

The Jaded Gamer Show was always supposed to be a crew effort. Sure my face would get a lot of time, it's my show. But I wanted my crew involved. Let's start with the intro. You see 3 people other than me in that. It was supposed to be a group effort. Other than one of them appearing on an episode they are nowhere to be found. It was really difficult doing everything myself.  I'm no stranger to entertaining people but I tend to have rehearsed material. But for the show other than a concept, I just turn on the camera and go.

I'm surprised every episode turns out the way they do. Even the fan reaction blows my mind. I thought this would amp up my crew like "Boy, I think they like us."  But no. It was my girlfriend rubbing the knots out of my shoulders telling me "Good job."

Pause.

I'm not complaining. That's just how it was. It was very time consuming trying to have a life, do a podcast, play games, review them and edit a show all by myself.

Play.

So between episode 2 and 3 I brought it up to them. One said he isn't a gamer. (He was the first to buy the 600 dollar ps3 and bragged on the POS all the time. But he rarely played online with us.)  The other said "Anything you need." So I put him in charge of my Facebook group. Everybody in the group is somebody I know personally so I dunno the point of that. I coulda done it myself. Wait... I did..

I'd check to see who posted my videos. I was lucky if any of them watched them when they were hot let alone post them to their wall.

So I just stayed at it. Even though I just wanted to give up. It was too demanding for my schedule. Which was why episode 4 had a ton of reviews and scores attached because I accumulated too much footage and not enough time to edit it.

Even now I have footage for another 2 episodes which might still happen if I can figure out how to apply it.

Anyways. During this time I kicked one member out for being a perverted, disloyal pile of shit who couldn't keep his hands to himself. And I can say that because his actions literally made me sick to my stomach.... And I've eaten live bugs Fear Factor style. (You'll notice I changed the FN2K/Wingman tag at the end of the vids to WTFIJ/FN2K at that point.) And the other dude fell on hard times and just didn't have the time. Fair enough.

Fast forward a year and dude still ain't on the comeback. If I could snap my fingers to end the struggle I would but I just can't. So I put da crew on my back and pushed forward. I delivered little bits of content here and there and posted more entries in this blog. I resumed the podcast too.

Then I ended up on Ballsrog.com not as a writer like I had thought... But as a strong personality and contributor. I've been there a month and I'm finally hitting my stride. 

So why keep the last few pre-Ballsrog.com era videos off the site? (at least for now.) 

I worked way too hard by myself to get this far. So any face that appears even for a split second in any video I put up will be one that had my back. (Yeah Ron... I'm talking to you.) So... I need to change the current intro vid to reflect the current state I'm in and start fresh. Like a new season. Some characters are gone and some new ones will appear. Since I got a new audience I'm not going to carry over old weight. It's a new day and I look forward to being more active on Ballsrog.com

So yeah. No disrespect to anyone but this is my moment. Watch me do me. Nobody but few key people were there to hoist me on their shoulders. I know some were late to the party but it's better than those that never showed up until they knew I was on the come up... Sorry for the long winded entry. Somebody shit on my chest and I had to get it off.

The Jaded Gamer

Twitter: @IamFN2K

Games and relationships part II

The first part of this entry got me in hot water from the Mrs.  Though I'm willing to bet that most gamers understood the point which was she still acts like the typical gamer's girlfriend sometimes regardless of how well we get along.

She was convinced I made her look like a bitch or that gamers would think she was a bitch. Let me reassure you she is most definitely NOT a bitch.  Honey can I get some yet? No?

Ok while she calms down a bit longer let me explain to you how good I have it.

When Dead Island came out I tore through it like a 12 inch through a hyman (and twice as bloody). I sat on my ass for 5 days and played it. Not 24/7 mind you. I have a job, but needless to say she didn't complain once. Forget Dead Island, she has never ever complained about my gaming habits.   The closest thing I heard to a complaint was that once she felt sad that I chose to play a game instead of watching her change. (It's a nightly ritual. She is really attractive.)

I digress to remind male gamers of something. Since you are a gamer, chances are you were a bit of a nerd and maybe unlucky with the opposite sex in your younger years. If you do have a girlfriend try to remember what it was like before you did. What I'm trying to say is she has boobs. Real boobs. Live and in your face boobies. Remember you used to kill to see some boobosity? Now you just sit in front of the tv night after night while she unleashes the twins. That is so lame. Sure the ladies in games have gotten better rendered but it is no replacement for the real deal. It also doesn't hurt that my girlfriend is built like Bayonetta. And yes she has a sister thats pretty cute too but unless you are a man's man you need not apply.

Anyways. Back to my GF being awesome.  She isn't a gamer at all but she tried. She played Fallout 3 all by herself but dropped the twin sticks because she still finds first person control and combat difficult. So her and I played Fable II a few times and when my game is built in Little Big Planet 2, I know she will play. Also Mod Nation Racers got a bunch of play. For somebody that doesn't play games she  puts up the effort to try purely to make me happy. She even cameos on my show.  Beyond that, her hotness has become one of the gimmicks the show thrives off of.

I objectify her beauty and she lets me exploit it for the purpose of my show. It does help that she is in on the joke but she is well aware of the fact that I'm using her looks and charm to get my product out there. She understands it because (dont jizz, gamers) she was a booth babe for Quake 4.   Oooh. Behind the scenes info. Originally I wanted both my girlfriend and her sister to be the hotties  on the show because her sister is (how do I say this without creeping out my future in law)  a curvy voluptuous lady with a bit of a gothic or hard rock kind of flair. Whereas my girlfriend looks sweet and angelic. Kinda like Two-Face's ladies from Batman Forever. I thought the imagery would look really good on screen.  But anyone that knows me knows I have difficulty rationalizing a "good" reason to exploit a woman's looks/body.  So I figured the way I do it now was the least objectionable way to capitalize on a pretty girl.

But aside from being gorgeous, she supports my gaming now more than ever. Shes watched as I went from an absolute nobody to an obscure somebody to whatever I'm becoming now thanks to my love of games. She doesn't support it because it's been bringing me some attention, she does it because it makes me happy.

The best thing about her as it relates to gaming is her uncanny ability to get me to stop playing games. I'm not telling how though. I've given you enough spank bank imagery.

Street Prophet aka The Jaded Gamer

Twitter: @IamFN2K

Do or die for the Ps3

I don't care what anybody says... The Wii lost the console war. Nintendo got a leg cramp 100 yards from the finish and bailed. Besides I value actual real games from developers other than Nintendo and that isn't Nintendo's style.

But, since Microsoft wanted the 360 to leapfrog the Ps3, Sony should really figure out a concrete solution to make the 360 look obsolete enough that they can pick up enough numbers to help them reach a 10 year cycle.  Sony had success for a little bit against the 360 but the universe corrected itself and the 360 continues to have good sales. 

The problem is that the 360 still looks appealing to the average consumer. I'm stunned to find out they believe the 360 is a more powerful piece of hardware. I don't know if that's Sony or a developer fault. Kinect looks more futuristic than Playstation Move until you realize "Hey. Maybe I need some damn buttons to play this shooter after all!"

Free online should have been a slamdunk for Sony. A lot of analysts thought Microsoft would have to have a free online model, but nope Microsoft stood by it. I still think it's a rip that I'm paying for not only the internet but twitter and facebook also. But playing online on Xbl is honestly . . terrible most of the time. But with friends is a blast. And you don't even have to be playing the same game.

The Ps3 has all that disc storage but I'm installing most games. The 360 doesn't have that issue. In fact my Ps3's fan kicks in a lot faster and more often than it used to.

Look. I love my ps3. I just feel like it isn't getting the right attention. It's such an awesome system but somebody keeps dropping the ball with it. It's become a system that watches what Microsoft does with the 360 and then copies it.

I must say that dollar for dollar PsN plus is a much better value than Xbox live Gold. Sony just needs to figure out how to show that off more.  The amount of cash I saved and free games I got was great.

2012 is the last year ps3 can pull a power move else the 360 is going to crush it into tiny meat chunks and serve it raw to the Next gen

Street Prophet aka The Jaded Gamer.

Twitter: @IamFN2K

Silent Hill's last chance

I wouldn't say I'm an expert on horror games or even explain survival horror to you. For myself a survival horror title didn't really take full form I until Silent Hill. Resident Evil 1 to 3 was less a survival horror title to me. Good games but they never resonated the same way.

Silent Hill 1 and 2 are landmark survival horror games. But then Fatal Frame came along and broke me. Nothing is scary to me anymore. Fatal Frame hit every note correctly. The plot made my skin crawl. The ghosts were more than apparitions of evil. They hunted and stalked you or haunted your dreams when the twin sticks weren't in your flop sweat soaked palms. Every single quality was top notch. The voice acting did however ruin some of the mood.  Everything else was so good it just didn't occur how bad the voice acting was in rare spots.

Ever since the fateful night I completed Fatal Frame 2 I just can't get it up for any other horror game since. I enjoy most of them but I don't consider them scary.

So anybody who wants to convince me that Dead Space or it's sequel is scary.. Just stop. I think they are both awesome but seldom if ever did I experience one emotion needed; fear.  If you must know I felt it was creepy at best. I was not afraid at any point in the first because they made it possible to complete the first gun with the equivalent of a pistol. As for the second one. I only wish I had the footage of me "calling out the scares".  However.. The raptor-like monster from the sequel was one of the best and most intuitive enemies I had the pleasure of encountering. But I was not afraid to advance or face anything.

That goes for Silent Hill 4 up to Homecoming.  4 is by far my least favorite game in the series and I have never beaten it again since.  The PSP games were alright. Homecoming was ok. Don't get me started on Saw. I enjoyed the Saw games and wish a real grown up triple A developer would take what was created and run with it. I will go on the record as saying the Saw games aren't terrible. You don't have to like them because their flaws are not hard to spot.

With every iteration of Silent Hill it feels more and more distant from the feeling and emotion of the first two.  The imagery has always been excellent but poorly managed since 3. 

In truth I think half the problem is me. From the moment they announce a new Survival Horror game, I follow it daily. By the time it gets to my hands I already know what will happen within the first 10 minutes of gameplay.

So with Silent Hill Downpour I stayed in the dark. I know nothing about this game. What I do know is that it better be the next standard of horror or I will thrust myself off the highest building and land in acid because I don't want to live in a world where Dead Space is the standard by which everything is judged. Ew.

Street Prophet aka The Jaded Gamer

Twitter @IamFN2K

Way too many games you guys

Hey game developers! Could you please just stop and take a breath for one minute and listen to me?

This fall release schedule is insane. Do any of you realize how many sales you are missing out on because you insist on cramming a million releases into three months? There are countless triple A titles I'm forced to skip purely because I'm not spending hundreds of dollars just to pick up every new release.

Some of you publishers seriously are head wounded. Especially Sony coming out with a bunch of ill timed HD remakes. Yes I want Silent Hill, God of War, Team Ico and Metal Gear HD updates. But do you really think I'm going to get them brand new? I'm going for the triple A titles first. Then I'm going to pick up all those HD titles used because their print runs will have expired.

Rage or Silent Hill? Batman or Call of Duty? Assassin's Creed or Skyrim? Resistance or Dead Island? Battlefield 3 or Gears of War? And 10,000 other choices.  The industry is cranking out way too much awesome this season and gamers don't want to be rushed. One week isn't enough time to enjoy one game before the next major release.

I don't want to see any game fail but you publishers obviously think gamers are rich so I hope half of these releases tank hard so you learn to stagger these titles.

In particular I hope Assassin's Creed bites it into oblivion! Ubisoft admits to beating a dying horse recently. I can't remember the exact terms three spokesperson said but it was pretty much they didn't expect 2 to be so popular and they decided to milk the idea for a bit before giving gamers the resolution they want.

I hope Rage becomes a sleeper hit for Id soft. They haven't had a new IP in years and this one looks like Id is showing why they rule.

Ugh. Ok I hope every game does well. I'm just a hater. I guess I'll get these games at some point but I just don't like how packed this release schedule is. It's just way too many games you guys.

Street Prophet aka The Jaded Gamer.

Twitter: @IamFN2K

I'm so lame, dude

Wow. I don't know where to start.  I got a lot to get off my chest so maybe you'd want to skip to the end to see my point.

First off thank you to everybody for your comments and kind words of encouragement. I may not be very popular (yet) but the support has kept me from fading away.

I'm not gonna lie and say life has been hard but it has not been very easy. Juggling life, gaming, the show and a podcast is overwhelming especially because a lot of the responsibility for putting the content out is mine. So if I forget or don't have the time then everything falls apart.

The worst part about this process is that I'm supposed to have a staff of people behind me and I don't. I took on all this responsibility because I did have a team behind me. You may have seen me reference them. We're called FN2K. There are two divisions of it. The one I run sucks. They don't have the ambition, heart, drive or stamina I do to triumph. All but one have copped out, betrayed my trust or made an endless amount of excuses of which I no longer have time for.  This is not a jab at any of them. It's just the fact of life. My crew routinely lets me down or doesn't listen. Anything coming out of FN2K now more than ever is all if not mostly my doing.

The Jaded Gamer's show WAS NOT supposed to be just my floating head babbling. It was supposed to be me and FN2K causing a ruckus in gaming. Silly me thought that after my first two episodes were received with appreciation from the gaming community that these other members would love to be a part of it. Nope. We don't even play games together and that is what FN2K is supposed to be about.

So . . Here I am repping a crew of gamers WHO DON'T PLAY GAMES. I'm so lame dude. Ever since episode 2 I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas purely to keep my crew on the map. And for what? They don't watch my show, hear my podcast. In fact the people who promote my show (shout out to Rondell Exclusive) regularly, don't have a stake in FN2K.

Anyways, I digress. I'm just mad.  Mad because my passion takes time. Time I can't have to myself. I clear days off my schedule to get things done but every single fucking time I do, my girlfriend hijacks a huge chunk of it.  I booked a week off in the summer purely to work on projects and every day I was interrupted. I'm not picking on her just illustrating how difficult it's been to do anything recently. All the while I put everything else first which I admit I shouldn't have done.  So when I'm not dealing with slackers or complaints or people who constantly want attention and gold stars for doing their job, all I've been doing is turning off the world and playing video games.

Normally it is not an escape for me. But vegging out in the living room playing Dead Island or isolating myself in the back playing Minecraft is me taking time away from everything that has been getting under my skin. In a sense I'm taking back time that has been taken from me.

But my work and life has been suffering because I've been feeling sorry for myself recently. It took me far too long to get out of this funk but seeing as nobody wants to help me up, it's up to me yet again to pull myself to my feet. Now it's different. In the coming days I'm going to attempt to hitch my wagon to a locomotive that is gaining stream instead of losing it.  I don't want to jynx it or leak details yet but this power move might be the smartest decision I made recently. So wish me luck.

Street Prophet aka The Jaded Gamer

Follow me on twitter @IamFN2K

Gamers and relationships

If there is something I know well it's being in a relationship with non-gamer girls. 

In an upcoming episode of The Jaded Gamer's show I talk about co-existing in a functional relationship and keeping the woman in your life off your back. I recommend any gamer in a relationship check it out.

Make no mistake though. I deliberately undersold the amount of work and effort needed to make it work. I have to because if gamers knew the truth they might pass up the right person when they come along.

Let me put it like this. I own almost 200 current gen games between Ps3, 360 and PsP. I invest between 20 and 40 hours a week on games. I only sleep between 3 to 5 hours a night which inevitably leads to exhaustion. The last fit of exhaustion damn near crippled me. My legs would go numb at random. I couldn't think, didn't eat and didn't care about anything or anyone not even myself except for my next gaming session.

I don't have to live this way, I choose to. It keeps me happy and my girlfriend too so I'm happy to do it. But it is not easy. It's more give than take and I need other gamers in relationships to back me up. Nobody other than gamers take games seriously. If a stock broker tells you they are busy, you let them work. But when a gamer tells their partner the same they just don't listen. I'm interrupted all the time.

Let me explain without malice what I endure.

I've politely requested that my field of vision NOT be obscured when I'm playing a game. This is a small rule but is always broken. No matter the reason, if she wants to invade my personal space nothing stops her in spite of the worst time to do it is when the twin sticks are in my hand.  I have explained how much I hate it and now I put on a screwface and lean away annoyed but she still does it.

I used to play games with headphones on which I explained was a huge signal to leave me alone. I don't do that anymore. Here's why. She just walks up and starts talking to me oblivious to the fact I can't even hear her. And then I started hearing "I already told you blah blah blah..." It took me a minute to figure out she would tell me this stuff while my headphones were on. So now I play games without them for her... Problem solved.

Or is it? Just the other week my girlfriend who is an actual real actor in the biz, was running lines next to me. By running lines I mean reading them obnoxiously too loud thinking she's cute when all she is accomplishing is pissing me off. So I try to politely interject to tell her to tone it down I can't concentrate or hear what's going on. She doesn't even listen. She does what she always does and.tunes me right out and starts talking LOUDER! So now she can't even hear how aggravated she is making me because she WON'T SHUT UP long enough to hear what I'm saying. She was keen to not only ignore but talk over somebody communicating distress.

And this is minor petty stuff because I don't want to get too deep into it.  I have rational ethical issues with some of the choices she makes but I shut up and let her do her thing because well . . Do unto others.

After hearing similar (and worse) stories I decided I had to say to my gaming friends and fans who are in relationships; You are not alone!

I don't know how my relationship works. I don't know how her and I exist when she drives me nuts sometimes. The bastion of hope I cling to is simply she does not understand the conviction and dedication I have towards not just gaming but to the community too.  There is nothing I would rather do than entertain/enlighten you readers and viewers. I don't care who's birthday I have to miss to reach a deadline. I don't care how much time I have to put into editing or filming because I live to entertain. This is my passion in life and I'm lucky enough to be able to fuse entertaining and video games.

But let me flip it because here is my point. Chances are you are not like me. You don't game as often or even have the time to. You aren't trying to entertain anybody through games. At worst your partner interferes with a gaming session which let's be honest is remedied by a pause button. Imagine if it was your passion or career. Imagine how irate you would be. My point; if I can make this headache work and be happy at the same time then you as a simple gamer just aren't working hard enough. So shut this webpage and tell your partner you love them and spend time with him/her. 

Street Prophet aka The Jaded Gamer

@IamFN2K on Twitter

Growing up gamer

This is for gamers who may be under the impression that they grew up with games but kinda missed a few history classes on their way to college. I'll definitely be providing a visual aid for this in a future episode of The Jaded Gamer's show.

Age is a factor now and just because you are 15 and know everything it doesn't make you king. But seriously wait until the you at 25 looks back at the 10 year old games you used to play. The 10 year jump between 1980 to 1990 was far more drastic and 90 to 2000 was unreal. But now games are aging much better. They age so well that companies are able to polish them a little, add a reward system and knock the price down and people buy them like they are brand new.

Here's a test answer as many as you can honestly.

With the standardized controller we know today, what is the first game you remember playing with it?

Yoda's Revenge.

The Konami code and the first and last place you remember using it.

What do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and and the first two GTA games have in common?

Final Fantasy ____ was skipped in North America?

Bonus: Final Fantasy 2 and 3 are actually numbered what in Japan.

Xenophobe?

MUDs?

BBS boards and L.O.R.D are what?

Kojima debuted Metal Gear on what system in North America?

Ness, Poo, Paula and Jeff belong to what franchise?

Name a Blizzard games that that doesn't have craft or diablo in it's title.

What system did Ninja Gaiden debut on?

Why did Fred Savage take his little brother to California?

Bonus: Name the peripheral and game that debuted in that movie.

Name a machine that played pong.

Without any peripherals or adaptors what was the first 4 player game you remember playing?

Qix?

Name the 3 game characters Zack Ward has played in his movies based on games.

Greatest line uttered in a movie based on a game?

I'll stop there. Now chances are the 30 and up crowd can get most, if not all of these. The 25 and up probably had to do a bit of retro gaming in the 80s.  Between 20 and 24 its a little more spotty but 18 and below start bottoming out real quick.

Here is the key to some of this. It is simply age. Games weren't played at home or online actively for a while even whem consoles got more popular. They were played at arcades. When was the last time you went to an arcade that was just an arcade? No bar, no restaurant, no movie theater... just video games back to front, a pool table, a soccer table and maybe air hockey. (This being Canada the table hockey thing was huge. Not air hockey. I know some Americans call air hockey "table hockey" actual table hockey is a similar concept to the soccer version)

Forget going to the store to buy a new game you have not lived until you walk into an arcade with your friends and the dookie enters your pants the moment you spot the new game machine.

I don't mean to sound like a geezer but you young whippersnappers don't know how good you have it.

IamFN2K aka The Jaded Gamer

I made "Kraft Dinner"™

Right now you're all "Huh?" So I'll get that outta the way. Kraft Dinner is KD and KD to a competitive gamer usually means Kill/Death ratio.  Now it's not as simple as me taking the abbreviation for Kraft Dinner that everybody knows and applying it to gaming. When I say a game is all about Kraft Dinner or it is a Kraft Dinner game... It is an insult. Here is how the phrase evolved.

Kraft Dinner is the standard which most other generic mac & cheese dinners that come in a box are judged by.  Kraft Dinner is an instant meal.  Instant macaroni, powdered cheese. Simple concept but nothing fancy. There is no "soul" to a kraft dinner meal yet people eat it a lot.  Kill Death is Kraft Dinner. They are both generic boxed concepts. But one is food.. The other costs 60 dollars. One is allowed to be generic (and possibly delicious) because it is cheap. The other better have some sort of innovation behind the KD.

So that's "Kraft Dinner".

But since we are on the topic of catch phrasery. .

I'd like to discuss "Ding!Platinum!" Now I wont be arrogant and say I invented the phrase because the "Ding!" Is really a shared experience between all Ps3 users. We may even yell Ding! After a trophy. Putting "ding!" and "platinum" together is practically public mindshare. Those of us with platinum trophies have probably said it. However, when most gamers get the trophy and hit the Twitter and forums to brag how do they describe it? I'll give you an example of the creativity. Some of these I wish I started.

"Went/gone Platinum."

"Platinum status on_____"

"Platinum unlocked"

"Platted/Plat'd"

"Plats/Platz 4"

"Chromed"

"P-bagged"

"Wearing platinum socks"

and on one occasion "Plaqued!"

I pretty much say "Ding! Platinum" or "I dinged platinum" (Even made a youtube video about it.

Yo, most vain and self wanking blog post ever!

IamFN2K aka The JadedGamer

Nintendo, What happened?

SEPT 12th UPDATE: ZOMG! These updates could be daily at this point. I saw the 3DS bathtub thumb stick. OK, so you're an ambassador with these games you might already own and some of them are ok. Sure. Point taken. But to release a console that is basically in beta for $250 then to release a peripheral that makes your non-ergonomic handheld more clunky and try to pitch it like a good thing is classic Nintendo. It's the Headphone jack for the Gameboy Advance SPCalafragilisticexbealidocious again!

AUG 23 UPDATE: Yet another update on this concept. Nintendo ALREADY rebranding the 3DS next year and adding a 2nd analog stick. And putting LESS emphasis on the reason you want it (3D) ... So now you're dropping cash on a 3D system that isn't stressing the 3 of D. Go on. Buy it. You know you wanna. How many people are going to buy it because they hate it when I'm right?

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Nintendo strips backwards compatibility from Wii redesign!! HAHAHAHAHA *Fart*burp*cough* Before the Nintendo Defense Force gets their heads all spun like it is no big deal and says Sony did the same with PS3 let good ol JG tell you something. Sony did remove backwards compatibility, which sucked for us, very early on. What they didn't do was announce a new system and then remove functions from the current system. Now Nintendo pretty much has placed the Wii U as a must have item for that option. I love it.

How can a handheld that is barely six months old cripple your company's revenue for this quarter so bad that the CEO has to cut his salary by half? Seriously!

Up until now I would swear on anything that Nintendo fans were idiotic and blind sheep who would bend over and buy anything with the Nintendo branding on it. Yet it seems that they're reluctant to purchase this 3DS system which I hope woke Nintendo up a little.

Let's back up a little. Let us analyize how Nintendo only wants one thing, your money. The Wii out sold everything and their first party games destroy any and every third party title. What was the fan's reward for making that thing a sensation? Buy these pieces of plastic at 20 dollars a pop to turn your remote into a steering wheel, a gun or a damn lightsaber then drop some more money on the analog stick they forgot to put on in the first place. If that is not enough they wan you to drop more money on another peripheral to make the motion control what it should have been right out the box. Jeez, just keep upgrading your PC.. It's way cheaper.

Now let's look at the evolution of the DS. It was ugly at first so they came out with the DSL.. Then the DSi ..Then the DS XL. I feel sorry for anyone that bought all 4 iterations only to have Nintendo say "We know a lot of you just go a DS but in few months we are releasing a better version that is 3D sans spectacles. ZOMGJIMP! The thing lost the GBA port .. Who cares right? But wait.. As inscentive to purchase it before the price drop they offer you a wide selection of games for download for free. Now I ask you Nintendo fans this with zero malice or sarcasm? How many of those free games do you already own even if its on other nintendo platforms? It's ok to say "most of them but I got others for free" that's cool. I went through that with Sony's welcome back program. I owned all but two of the Ps3 titles and any title they offered for free on PsP I already owned or didn't want. So I settled for the digital copy of two games I already own. But if any of you early adopters really honestly think those "free" games are only exclusive to you and the rest of the 3DS community wont have a chance to even buy them....Keep dreaming of yourself jumping over that fence.

Nintendo not only wants your money, they now have even more reason to find new ways to get it.

But once again I'm glad the 3DS is not selling wildly with a slew of shovelware and 2 decent games. Maybe next year when the Wii U happens Nintendo will deliver the goods like they used to.

I don't want them to fail but if a system has to sell crazy then they have their minds a little too deep in your pockets guys.

IamFN2K aka The Jaded Gamer

Take a hint from Kojima!

Do you like the Metal Gear Solid franchise? Not everybody does. It is a tough series to like if it isn't your thing and me explaining it now probably will not spur you to jump out of your seats and play the franchise. But if you do decide to play through it... DO NOT START WITH MGS: TWIN SNAKES!  In a nut shell they turned Solid Snake into Neo and have him do the most *R-worded* things. And considering how messed up and absurd the plot gets... That says a lot about how stupid Twin Snakes made the series.

But if there is one indisputable fact about the series... Each game is different in a major way somehow. Kojima productions knows how to do sequels.  Each installment brings either a new take on the series or a new convention every time!

Remember the jump from Doom 1 to 2? What changed? 1 New gun.. and a handful of new enemies and everything else was pretty much assets from the last game.

MGS 2 from 1 improves on every aspect of the previous model even if it turned out to be Kojima saying "See.. I CAN make the same game again and you wont know it til I tell you."

Then Metal Gear Solid 3 comes out and shifts what you are used to and adds more meta type stuff. There is a camouflage meter so you know exactly how hidden you are. The sound is much better and realistic so you can now move through bushes in loud environments without the enemy hearing your footsteps. Let's face it. Metal Gear solids "view cone" made the game seem like stealth pac-man at times. Sound didn't matter so much as you being spotted.  In 3 you have to stay hidden and quiet.

The gadgets in 3 are also more handy by virtue of the fact they are old school meaning that you cant just simply look at a radar, find your foe, point and shoot.  More strategy is involved. The classic boss sniper battle against The End can last 10 minutes or over an hour just by what gadgets you use to track your enemy.  The game has a Cabelis game hunter vibe to it as well. You hunt wildlife for food if you are low on rations. The food can even spoil if left untouched which you can now use to poison hungry soldiers when you blow up their food supplies. There is even a boss you can use that strategy against. 3 is arguably the finest entry into the series.

Metal Gear Solid 4 is definitely lip service to fans. It is very well designed but extremely story heavy which has always been a complaint about the series. And the end game cut scene is pretty much an entire movie. But those mild itches aside, it really is a great journey filled with twists and nostalgia. It may not have the meta elements that 3 did but the battlefield is also very different. There are less places to hide but due to Snake's Octocamo he can hide right out in the open. It is difficult to put my finger on what is so different about 4. But I think the return to form is what makes 4 different. It clashes old and new ideas seamlessly. It is just as modern as it is classic.

Then there is Peace Walker. The best thing about Peace Walker is the one thing missing from portable ops... Co-op multiplayer. Standard missions are 2 player but boss fights against heavy artillery are 4 player skirmishes that are Kojima doing his best to capture the intensity of a Monster Hunter fight. The ability to recruit and upgrade soldiers and their weapons adds tremendous amounts of depth to the game.  I personally don't just want peace walker in HD... But Peace Walker 2 on Ps3 AND the Vita.

Metal Gear Solid is one of the few franchises that makes every sequel feel like it could be a new game not just a grapically superior version of the last entry in the series.

What say you gameland?

IamFN2K aka The Jaded Gamer

Sorry bout the hostility

As of late I've been throwing a lot of aggression towards fanboys of all sorts and I just want to take a second to let the dust settle.

This is one of those rare moments where I will apologize for possibly offending any readers of my blog (www.TheJadedGamer.tk just in case you are reading this through an rss import like facebook). So I'm sorry if I got under your skin.

The bottom line for me are the games. I don't care where you play them but just as proof that my head is not up my own ass, allow me to play devil's advocate against myself with regards to other topics.

Pc gaming

So not many people know or remember that during the N64 - Dreamcast era I played  PC games mostly and slowed down when I got a ps2/xbox. Truth is I always preferred console gaming but RTS games and FPS games were still pretty clumsy on consoles.

Rather than even try to wrestle with counter-strike online, starcraft on 64 or Red Alert on Playstation... I played them on pc. Also I played anything from Blizzard catalogue, Black & White, Summoner, Evolva, Messiah, Angel Devoid, Some Myst, Doom games, Duke Nukem 2D and 3D, Unreal Tournament, Quake games, Team Fortress, Unreal Gold Co-op, Half Life and some mods, Soldier of Fortune, Noone Lives Forever, Hitman and others that have slipped my mind at the moment.

Obviously I appreciate what PC gaming brings to the table. Consoles hadn't monotized DLC yet so when the developers put out extra content that was not an expansion.. IT WAS FREE. Any gamer born in the mid 90's probably has no clue that DLC used to be free till consoles screwed that up. I know in some cases that fact still stands.  Back then the mods and free content was something consoles didn't and still don't have so hell yeah PC gamers have to be stoked about that.

Also since developers get more room to make games on PC the most original titles really began there. I'm referring to the underground indie scene that popped up. Indie devs still thrive because they can put out a game for free and generate a fanbase. That is still a pipe dream on console which is why indie console devs spend a lot of time cracking the system to make underground games to run on it. Those random games made life enjoyable on PC while you were waiting for the next mega hit.

PC gaming has its advantages and people still prefer mouse and keys which is fine. If all of the above is what gives the PC the edge in your eyes, that is great. Just remember it makes pc gaming different not better.

Blizzard makes me shudder

There is nothing I can do to deny how I feel about Blizzard. They make great games regardless of what they put in and take out. My only problem with them is them recycling the same idea over and over. I have played the crappy half assed console clones of their games and even though they don't compare they at least try to advance the genre. In consoleland recycling the same idea happens in much quicker intervals so the genre has to freshen up or die out faster. But since Blizzard works for years on the same concept it always feels new because its been 5 years since you played a new ______ game.  There is nothing wrong with that. It's the "If it aint broke don't fix it." and you have to be stupid to think they are not skilled at making the same concept seem fresh. That means the game itself is timeless. That is amazing to have 4 base games and have them all be killer apps.

So you see... I'm not that big of a jerk

IamFN2K aka The Jaded Gamer

Piracy and me

Don't talk to me about piracy. I am for whatever developers want to do to protect their products.  I don't care what it is they want to do to prevent piracy I support it even if I don't like it. If I dont like it then I don't buy it. If there is DRM I do not like then the box stays on the shelf or in the respective console's store and that is one less unit shipped. That sends a bigger message than piracy ever will.  Because all you accomplish with piracy is telling developers to spend more time on DRM for the sequel or future projects. If the game gets pirated a ton the developers know it's good and in demand they just need to focus on preventing piracy.

But that isn't what gets me. What gets me is that when people I know personally or purely online tell me they pirate a game or games in general. Stop it. I dont care if you do it but don't tell me. Would you walk up and tell a police officer you have weed on you?

Then why tell a guy who day after day slowly (at a snail pace) embeds himself further and further into the industry and not just simply gaming? Piracy makes what I do (or try to do) moot.  I inform the gaming community from a gamer's standpoint. Not a developer or journalist so imagine how pointless piracy makes their profession.

Slowly... very slowly gamers are gravitating towards user generated voices not unlike my own as well as the pros at say... I dunno... Gamepro who may or may not care about what I tweet. As insignificant as being followed on twitter is it is a start for me to build on.

Honestly, I don't care if you pirate all day everyday. I have no interest in confirming you do.

I don't think people are entitled to something because they convert beef and leaves into energy and then excrete them later and go shopping (sorry. I was playing Portal 2) so save whatever justifaction you have for piracy righteous or not.

Just let me add some perspective before I quit whining.

There is a dude that goes by the handle, Ballsrog. I suggest all of you (especially console gamers and specifically 360 owners) go to his site (www.ballsrog.com), follow his twitter (@ballsrog), because him and his crew are all up in the asshole of gaming. I love this guy (no homo) because he puts himself out there time and time again telling you what is hot and what he wouldn't let lick his taint.  Anyways, as an inscentive to donate to his cause he offers an autographed copy of one of his games (in addition to other things). I've had an idea similar for when The Jaded Gamer's show picks up steam (think contest give-a-way rather than donation rewards).  Either way we're promoting the idea of owning a physical copy of a game and it raises the question of would we still give away our own games that we paid for to a community that doesn't appreciate buying games in general. I can't speak for Ballsrog but I'd rather my game went to somebody who either wants to buy it but cant afford it or wants it but missed the window to buy it.

All I'm saying is that with the effort and money that myself, Ballsrog and hundreds of  other gaming personalities pour into informing gamers of what we think they should or shouldn't buy It's a tad insulting to know you pirated something we recommend especially us little guys because we don't get review copies. We had to buy that shit.

IamFN2K aka The Jaded Gamer

PC Gamers

A gamer is a gamer.  Period.

Yet the fanboyism between console and PC gamers constantly rages on.  Though I am the Sith lord bringing balance to the force console side between 360 and Ps3 fanboys, I rarely find harmony between console and PC.  Despite cross-platform games like Portal 2 being released that allow pc and ps3 users the ability to game together there is still the air of PC superiority. . . and uber sensitivity.

I wont argue that PC games are pretty but so is Heavy Rain and L.A Noire. Two games which are extremely tough sells on PC but run and sell well on console.  I wont take the PC stance and say a platform sucks because it doesn't have game "x" because it seems every time pc gamer says "we have _________ and you dont ipso facto vis a vis you haz fail"  a month or two game "x" gets ported to console.  Crow must taste delicious. Most recently Minecraft has been that game "x" .. And if minecraft comes as a boxed copy of a game I wonder if PC users would be mad because I'm fairly certain console users figure that to be a psn or xbla caliber title unless the scope of it increased dramatically.

Halo was supposed to be a pc game at one point apparently because I've been serving wine and cheese over that for a decade now. Despite halo and halo 2 coming out for pc its still not the juggernaut it is on console nor is it the premier place to play.

The argument can even be made that the 360 versions of many multi-platform games are the focus whether or not they appear on pc.  So in that regard I dont see how pc gaming is a compelling argument over a 360.

And at this point unless you want to play an RTS or WOW I cant see the difference in a pc or console unless having slightly more dust particles on screen means that much more to you.

Im not picking on the users of pc, I'm more or less just asking in my own Jaded Gamer way "What the fuck is your problem?"

Look, the mod community is great on PC and consoles probably wont see that type of versatility in the near future but that is one of the few only real undisputed 100% clear cut advantage pc has .. The rest is preference. Im positive there are others but mods thrive on pc... As they should.

I don't have to or even want to list what I consider the advantages over pc because I'm not trying to convert anyone. In fact I'd prefer if the pc snobs and console fanboys stay separate because no gaming would happen... just epic amounts of whining and fighting on both sides because let's face it, we are all jerks in the heat of battle.

Just in case my point is missed... A gamer is a gamer period regardless of platform. Pc or console you bleed red and are no better than eachother. I love you guys  so don't think I'm a hater. Just shut the fuck up and celebrate games and not where to play them.

With certain exceptions aside, a lot of PC gamers look like idiots when they tell me what pc games I'll "never experience" on console.  Then it shows up a year or two later and it's always fun to watch the pc crowd do the mad scramble for excuses while they dine on crow and sour grapes. (I know the same happens the other way around with console and pc but I spend 360 days reminding my console cohorts they are mindbogglingly immature and stupid sometimes so today for a minute I'm shaking my head in another direction.)

Basically if you guys really were the more refined gameur (not a typo) you wouldn't be acting like arrogant jerks just like the rest of us. Get over yourselves and lets play some games dammit!

JG

DLC and R-words.

I like blizzard games. Just a reminder.

Anyway. EA. I'm looking right at you now. Sure you publish great games and I would even be so bold as to suggest that any gamer with more than 10 games in all probability has more EA published games than non EA ones. EA and Activision (and more often now take two or (is it 2K?) are popping up more often.

But you EA... Have by far thee WORST and most foul DLC on the planet. Seriously. Sometimes I want to cut your faces off with sharkfists and wear them to your family's house just to see if they notice!

I've witnessed on disc content unlocks for games I've bought used. Fine. You want to prevent piracy and get your cut of the used market. I am on your side.  However! When I see a DLC for a "New game mode" it better not be a 100 KB file unlocking Bare Knuckle boxing or cars that are actually in the game. DLC should always be additional content.

LittleBigPlanet has similar problems I dont come down on media molecule as bad because they kinda shot themselves in the foot for DLC because over 3 million levels are availible online.

My biggest peeve is the fact ppl buy this shit enough that EA makes money.  Sure I'm guilty of succumbing to the pressures of having to purchase stronger guns to beat Dead Space on impossible. (I'm so fatigued with the franchise I cant do it)

But where does this trend of selling cheat codes stop?  Where is the line on selling me content on the disc twice?

What say you gamers? Do you wanna pay 99 cents for the Konami code or 1.99 to unlock an alternate sports jersey that exists on the disc?

I like Blizz games ok

I've caught a lot of attention recently for what people think is picking on Blizzard.  Personally I think some of you are stupid. Especially the person who said Blizzard has a good development cycle because they have a ton of money.

So let me clear the air.

In my eyes a good development cycle has a deadline.  You have a project, you look at your team and say it takes X amount of months to make this so the release date is _________.  They may not announce the date right away but they can give a time frame I.e Borderlands 2  Q3 2012.  Blizzard says... "It will come out when it's done."

This is NOT a good development cycle.  This is the opposite extreme of the Duke Nukem Forever release. But at least they would give a date amidst the excuses. (And Mac users get to witness the suck for themselves Aug 18)  But guess what?  I bet Gearbox or whoever wants the rights to it will make another DN game within 5 years.

Whoops! Where was I? Oh. Dev cycle.  But I can hear you now. "But when it's done it's soooooo good?"  That's right. They are good. But compared to what?  Its purely "fans of the genre" that they specialize in. Fans of the genre will be fans of this genre.  Look me in the eye and tell me with a straight face that Diablo 2 is not Diablo 1 with a graphics bump and the standard bigger, badder, harder and longer gameplay enhancements. There were bonuses and cool stuff but essentially you are playing a less ass-tasting version of the previous installment that tasted pretty damn good.  The jump to Warcraft 3 from 2 was a bigger leap and stretch for Blizzard but its essentially the same game with different strategies because of new races and units.

They are all well made games. I dont have a problem with their quality. I've played,enough non-blizzard games and clones to have a higher standard of gameplay by now and I hoped most would feel the same.

My beef with WoW is that its way too user friendly for my liking. By no means do I mean its easy. But there is a significant amount of increased simplicity in WoW than say EverQuest. Before I continue... Yes... WoW might be a better product than EQ but it better be when you have years to improve and fans so loyal they follow like lemmings.  That is in fact a portion of why WoW is a success regardless of the fact its good. BUT in EQ... There was a moment around level 30 or so that every single time you level up you felt like you had to jump over the flippen moon to do it. The grind!  OH MY GOD THE GRIND! It was rare to see a whole bunch of characters in one area at the level cap. In fact.. When you saw a character at the cap it was not uncommon to stop them and ask to pose for a screenshot.  You knew most of the top level guys by name because threre were so few. Thats what made it awesome.

But with expansions come balancing issues with new classes and races so naturally characters got buffed, nerfed and invalidated. Exploits were found, leveling became easier due to complaints from growing popularity.  Walking around at level 80 doesn't mean much to me cuz its not impossible. Just play.

I don't dislike any Blizzard product. There is alot of care that goes into every game.

Now recently my only actual for real problem with Blizzard is how IMO they are losing touch with their fans... and then act bewildered. "Oh our fans DON'T like us removing functionality from our games?" (Offline/LAN)

THAT is my problem with THEM. I like the games. I'm sure Diablo 3 will be fine. I'm just not going to reward them for removing something that has been pretty much standardized on PC. Their excuse of giving me the best experience when they really mean the best DRM. Just come out and say... The DRM requires you to be online for validation... And I would say "That sucks. But you're just protecting your IP"

Something tells me even those who are mad will still buy the product and Blizzard will keep selling ice to penguins. And more power to them

Who's dumber?: The media, The parents or The gamers

As a general disclaimer.. These blog posts are done remotely with a wifi tablet and no keyboard. I use auto spell and slide my finger around the virtual keyboard.

In the upcoming episode of The Jaded Gamer's show you will see me present a different side and much more PG friendly version of this topic. (Dont worry. The episode after will be back to being rated M.)

The next episode in question was filmed primarily in 2009 a year after Brandon Crisp died. (if you dont know or remember Crisp... You will) If you don't believe me then look at the continuity with my hair, gotee and 1up t-shirt.

Anyways. One thing that affects gamers more and more often is addiction. The consequences of this addiction can be tame like maybe you stood up your date or skipped class or work for a day.  I myself on several occasions  have called in sick for Day 1-Zero Hour releases. (Which means buying the game the day it comes out the moment the store opens) And infamously skipped 88 days of school in my senior year to play EverQuest.  Doesn't it sound like I have at least a mild addiction to games?  Then how did I graduate? How did I go through college? How do I keep paying my bills on time?  It's time for a heart to heart

The average gamer is in their 30's now so for every Daniel Petric (17) there are a million legit responsible gamers who do not act out.  Fox News doesn't talk about www.WhatTheyPlay.com ... NBC and CTV do not report about gamers and developers raising relief for Japan through www.PlayForJapan.org.  But if there is sideboob, Fox calls it pornography when more titty exists in iCarly (google it) and when a kid runs away and falls out of a tree CBC blames the video game industry.

Tell you what media... instead of asking Sony, Nintendo, Microsoft and the ESRB what they can do to keep violent sexy games out of underage gamers hands, why don't you ask the parents?   Would you drop your 15 year old off with a 6 pack of beer at a strip club? 

Parents need to be educated on the subject of video games.  Personally I thought the media would be doing this but they do more harm than good by trying to educate the public.

Here is my point.  The media kinda says "Video games are bad mmkay." But then the parents buy said bad games for their underage kids so they can play it in their room. Don't you parents even care what you just bought for your kid?  9 times out of 10 if I was playing an M rated game, I had a parent  close by. Why? My parents obviously liked me.

OK. So what about gamers? Shouldn't they take some blame? Hell yeah!

Daniel Petric murdered his mother and shot his father after they took away his Halo 3 disc. That kid is messed.  I'm not picking on Blizzard here but they have fans that take pathetic to new levels of sadness. 99.9% of Blizzard's users are probably decent and live normal lives. But because every game is made to be diverse or immersive or engaging, some users  won't stop playing it. And Blizzard couldn't care less (Why should they? They aren't your parents.) Blizzard isnt stupid. They add more to their games to engross the user more. A buddy of mine calls Blizzard products a "completionist nightmare" I agree with him especially with World of Warcraft.  Its a huge gaming space with a lot to do.  There are even special achievements given out. Dozens if not over a hundred of them to collect. Somebody who wants every last one is going to have to pour a lot of time into the game.  But here is the thing.

WoW does have an end game but that doesn't mean you completed it.  In fact I would argue that you're not supposed to get every last thing in a Blizzard game. That's why its a nightmare because some gamers cant grasp that the game is that big because you're supposed to have your own adventure and experience it your own way.  Additionally I would also say getting everything in a Blizzard game is more a tragedy than an accomplishment. 

But here is where I'm going with my Blizzard point. Blizzard makes good games you want to play.  Your body isn't really made to be sitting stationary for long periods of time every day.  After a while musculoskeletal dystrophy starts killing you. Blot clots might form and hit your heart... Boom ... Death.

This isn't exclusive to hardcore Blizzard gamers. This applies to gamers like me who marathon games on the constant. Its just that Blizzard makes games that you can play for hours or days and that may be only one quest or a really tough skirmish in StarCraft. 

So how stupid do you have to be to sit in one place before you realize you're dying or that you are having a heart attack or that your infant stopped crying...  because it died... of starvation... during your 3 day boss fight in FF 11.

How dumb do you have to be to send your teen into the freezing Canadian wilderness and expect nothing to happen? (Comments like this are why WTFIJ insisted I edit the hell out of the next episode and watch my mouth. Grrr)

How ignorant are you to blame an interactive medium for "teaching" kids poor morals when the parents endorse it?

Seriously how pathetic is it that nobody can take responsibility for this? It's always the game's fault right?

Gamer vs Game player Part 2: The knowledge

The Konami code, the Capcom code, Super Mario Brothers: The Lost Levels, Robotron, Final Fantasy numbers, games like True Crime: Hong Kong that get retrofitted and the term retrofit itself is knowledge gamers just know by being gamers.

One of the traits of being a gamer is understanding the industry and being able to explain it beyond your opinions and break aspects down. As an example consider this.  Stephen King writes for a publisher like Random House or something. Random house prints the book and it's a great book. Do you buy the next book you see from Random House or the next book from Stephen King? You buy the King book right?  Well how about this? Team Bondi made L.A Noire... Rockstar published it in North America. I ran into a friend on the bus who claims to game and know games well but actually argued that L.A Noire is a good game because Rockstar made it.  The thing is they didn't make it... Bethesda didnt make Fallout New Vegas... EA didnt make Dead space, Mass Effect or Hot Pursuit and Square-Enix did not make Just Cause 2.

In general everybody should know the difference between the developers and the publishers now because the company's names are all over the box and splash screens. But when gamers themselves say a game is good because a publisher developed it I want nothing more than to break your jaw. Nothing is more infuriating than somebody being completely wrong.

God of War is published by Capcom in japan. Grab your GoW game case and see if it says that. Do Japanese people think Capcom made it and not Santa Monica studios (Owned by Sony I think)? 

So if you are the type to read a name off the box and say Gamebryo makes great games you should take a closer look at your gamecase. (Gamebryo ports Bethesdas games to PS3)

Activision bought Blizzard. NOT vice versa.  I know you Blizzard fanboys love thinking that Blizzard owns the gaming industry and they are super loaded because WoW gave them more money than God. Shut...the...front...door and read the articles again.  All the money Blizzard makes a year wouldnt cover the amount of money Activision needs to make every 3 months. AND consider the fact Blizzard just might have needed the merge to stay in business. Blizzard doesnt have a good development cycle and they spend crazy money on research. The more users playing their games the more server maintenance costs. Yes Blizzard generates money but if you think they make more than EA, Activision or Nintendo as publishers then you are smokin the good stuff.

Seriously... Only gamers can really grasp how wicked stupid you sound.

Gamers dont need instruction manuals for the most part.  We figure that shit out in the first hour of the game. Now though you may be a gamer there is no shame to RTFM but if you think you don't need a manual and your first question about the game starts with "How do I...?" then just RTFM you obviously are new to this type of game.  Since most games start with tutorials that should quell any questions.

The PS3 doesn't use letters for it's face buttons... Its not an X or O its a cross and circle. Now you can call the cross button X, thats fine. Dont call the circle an O. Its like outting yourself as a noob. In short, gamers know every button on the controller to the point we can say stuff like "Hit cancel and ready up for the match" and we know "hitting cancel" means hitting circle or B and to ready up we hit cross or A. Game players still need time to learn what buttons do in each genre.. Gamers know what button does what we just need to know what to do... Not what to press to do it.

Being a gamer is much more of a hobby than it ever was. And just like anyone who is good at any craft, we take exceptions with people wearinbg the title

Alice:Madness Returns to Rinse off the stank that Duke Nukem left behind.

OK, Ever since the first game I heard rumours American McGee was going to make a movie in the vain of the first Alice game.  Then I heard Tim Burton was going to make an Alice movie.  At first I was mad because I thought “What about American McGee’s version?” Then I thought… “What if this IS American McGee’s version with Tim Burton at the helm?” … But it wasn’t.  NOOOOOOOOOOOO! And Tim just… Look, Nevermind Tim Burton not satisfying my expectations.  ALICE IS BACK BABY!

I guess because I’m an early adopter of the game, the original Alice game came along with it. CRAZY BONUS!

I don’t know where to begin with this game. The plot is a little annoying and a little confusing.  Essentially Alice is getting lost in her head between levels in the real world.  There is no rabbit hole.  You start on your shrink’s couch, get up, go outside, follow a rabbit, interact with a woman, pass out, Wonderland and that’s how it goes.  Wake up, talk to somebody, maybe go somewhere, pass out, Wonderland. 

The enemies are very similar. Well… that’s not true. . There are two enemy types.  There are the Ruins (I think, if memory serves me correctly.) which appear in every stage and the enemies which only appear in the specific stage.  So you will see the Ruins all the time and it looks repetitive but they are symbolic of the madness eating away at you. . . or something.

This game is more repetitive than a bag of chips but the weird thing is… it’s just fun.  Oddly enough, traversing is the game’s main mechanic.  Every area seems to have a space reasoning puzzle that needs solving before you can continue. It usually revolves around flipping a switch or shooting a switch or using shrink. And you will do this through every single level.  Flip a switch, shoot a switch or use shrink to solve any puzzle the game throws at you.  So if you can’t find any switches to flip or shoot… shrink yourself and you’ll probably figure it out. 

The game was definitely designed for console this time around.  That basically means it controls more like a console 3rd person shooter than a PC first person shooter. (If you want to feel the difference just play Alice and Alice2) The various standard weaponry is at Alice’s disposal. A Knife, mini gun, grenade launcher, club and shield are all represented with a Wonderland counterpart.  The minigun is a pepper grinder and the club is a wooden horse.

The game switches it up every so often by including little mini games to distract you from the repetition of traversing through the world. Mini games are usually 2D sidescrolling variations but they are no less fun. In some cases these mini-games save Alice from being a generic game.  They add much needed flair.

I know it sounds like I’ve been bagging on the game but I’m just being objective.  There is a lot of repetition and the plot is silly. But the game is good because the environments for the most part are done very well.  Wonderland is just as beautiful as it is dark and gloomy.  In some cases I felt they could have gone darker but there is enough screwy imagery to go around.  Alice is also much more bad ass. Switching weapons on the fly makes her feel and control more like a seasoned veteran of annihilating Wonderland’s foes. The combat system also gives the fighting a God of War or Bayonetta vibe.  But let’s not get carried away.  Even still the combat is well done and works really really well. I’m going to say that Alice is the bare minimum of really good controls. Anything less and you’re just average.

Alice’s hair… You’ll notice in Wonderland that her hair has a life of it’s own.  It seems to have it’s own gravity and speed sometimes but that’s ok.  It adds to the ultimate bad-assedness that is Alice: Madness returns.

A fun ride from beginning to end.

GREEN: 7.5

Highs

   Fun

   Platforming fun

   Combat fun

   Mini games

Lows

   Repetitive in every way.

   A bit of a forced plot.

   Some areas feel a tad too long

Psn... and hackers

Look Sony.. One or two days for your network being down is fine. Shit happens. But lets face it, you should have back-ups in place.  Furthermore, you should have way more transparency on the matter instead of these stupid cryptic messages us users have to take decoder rings to just to understand what the hell is going on.

For the past two generations  Sony has been ruling it. But from 2006 till now you guys have made the weirdest decisions ever.  Starting with the $699 price tag (this shit better last 10 years) to the pspgo being more expensive despite having less functionality. Lets not forget the psp's price drop then price hike. My heart pours out to the psn+ users out there. They are getting screwed. And if you want more proof that DRM on consoles is a bad idea, check out bionic commando rearmed 2 that is unplayable till psn comes back online.

Every single time I take nintendo to task for their treatment of (real?) Gamers, I pray they dont realize Sony has been punishing me for supporting them. As a ps3 user I get DLC for cross-platform games after 360. I get games after 360...and still do. 360 exclusives tend to be better... And get this... 360 games even look better sometimes. Ghostbusters is a sony pictures product (isnt it?) And it looked better on 360.  And get this awesome revolutionary concept! When I put a game into my 360... I'm playing it almost instantly. Same game on a ps3 is almost guaranteed to be a 2-5 gig install.

I would trade disc swapping for all that crap any day.  .

But this psn outage is the cherry on top. 3 major releases in one week that depend on psn are useless. I'm gonna say it. I dont care about portal 2's co-op anymore and I'm buying Brink on 360.. In fact I might get EVERY multiplayer game I want on the 360. The network is superior (better be. I'm paying for it)

I'm kidding. If it weren't for IPs like Heavy Rain, Metal Gear Solid and Yakuza, i'd switch. But seriously Sony... Get psn back up.

Next... Anonymous. Maybe you brought down psn, maybe you didnt. I saw something on facebook where you took credit and then denied it on your homepage. Whatever. Normally when I hear of your exploits.. I think you have a point. But taking credit for this attack could land you in jail so why would you take credit? Furthermore... To deny involvement firmly places you within the ranks of terrorists.

Even if you agree with GeoHotz breaking the law (Like it or not, he did. Read the EULA) Threatening Sony for wanting to protect their intellectual property as well as the intellectual property of others is bad form. If you want to develop homebrew for the ps3... Tough. Buy the SDK. I would even say go ahead and hack your console but keep it offline and dont boast about it. You wouldn't rob a bank and then post how you broke the law on your twitter. This stinks of teenagers throwing a fit because their parents told them to be in before dark.

I respect your skills. I really do. But attacking somebody or ruining lives because of something so petty makes you no different than the scientologists you rage against.  Your power and influence exist on the internet and id be silly to challenge it. I dont want to bring you down. Anonymous is a great counter-balance to government control but I now wonder if you have just become drunk with power... Much like the machine you rage against.